I do my best to live my life with no intention of hurting anyone. I believe I am fair, loving and careful with my words. Honestly, I believe most of us go through life this way. I suppose this is why I am open, forgiving, and empathetic.
This blog is MY personal space. I was initially going to say that it is my PRIVATE space but... I suppose it isn't private, is it? It is ON THE INTERNET and ANYONE can access it.
*sigh*
And because of a recent uncovering of my identity, I have found that I must go even more anonymous than I was previously. There is a part of me that wants to take advantage of the Blog2Print feature. Just print the whole thing and start over from scratch.
I cannot delete it. I cleaned out boxes in my garage today and found my journals chronicling my life from age 7 until now. I read about that little girl who struggled so hard to love herself. I read about the teenager who was filled with sadness at unrequited love and other joys of teenage angst and drama. I read about the young woman who questioned who she'd become in her life. I read about the confusion of choices made and regretted. I read about pregnancy and giddiness and sadness at a miscarry. I read about the love for my children, holding their fresh little plump bodies as babies and how they filled me with such heart-pounding joy.
I cannot delete this. Not a single post of it. These are my words. This is my perception of the events that I've been through. This is MY STORY.
My story may not be the truth of anyone else. We all have our stories. I do not choose to be right. I choose to share, to process, to find ME. This is my quest.
Yet, there has been a discomfort caused by my own personal processing. I cannot convince anyone of my intention. Fear says it doesn't matter.
I refuse to be censored but I will watch my words carefully.
I'm still trying to decide what to do.
Do not delete anything. Fear got a hold of me and I deleted a lot of old posts and I regret it. As you stated it is a part of your life. I was afraid of being judged. Not so much by strangers, but by family who were unaware of my struggles.
ReplyDeleteKeep it all and refuse to be censored.
Theresa AKA SleeplessInSimi
I've been there..here I mean. I made a different decision for my own reasons, as you mentioned to each there own, but I'm proud of whatever you decide to do. One of the reasons I am delving back into trying to figuring things out is because of some of the conversations we have had. Keep your head up, darlin'. Sending you light.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't delete a single thing and I'd keep documenting the truth as you see it. We are all free to have our own opinions and voice them in any means we feel suits us best. If that means using a blog then so be it. Say what you want but mean what you say and be proud of who you are.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work!
I applaud your decision, T - it's very brave. And you're right...it's not anyone's story but your own...and we've all got one. There are lots of us out here who are glad that you're choosing to share your story, there is much to be learned from it, not just for us, but for you, too.
ReplyDeleteI'm still here and reading -- and support you in whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteI deal with my ex reading the blog all the time. He's known about it the whole time.
ReplyDeleteIt is your story, your perception of events. That's what counts. It's true to you.
Feel for you.
Well said.
ReplyDeleteI too, refuse to be censored just because *certain people* read - but there are limitations as to what I can write about. Anything I say (write) can and WILL be used against me.
But my blog is MINE and has been a very positive thing in my life so I wont let *them* take that away from me.
Sorry you've been found and I support you in whatever decision you make.
Agree with Mindy - I also refuse to censor myself (for the most part...) depending on who I know for sure is reading (my ex is not, that I know of), but it is a struggle - to be private yet open - with a blog that is clearly public, though at the same time, intensely private. I support you as well!
ReplyDeleteSorry that you're having a tough time with this. It could be a difficult thing to work through but one that I'm sure you'll come out at the end smelling of Roses!
ReplyDeleteMy girlfriend always asks me "where is the blog you love to read" and I don't answer.. at least not completely. I found Kat's Blog one day when I was reading the IJ on line and instantly found a lot of parallel things with her even though she's a she... and I'm a he... I started sharing when the mood struck me. If my other half discovered where I like to read and occasionally post, it would bother me because I would feel "censored"
I hope you work through it
I've done the same thing over & over...take a post down...put it back up. My subscribers think I have bipolar posting disorder and I do lol....I've been pondering if I want to keep my blog, continue it or not....bottom line is, my blog is MY story, MY thoughts, MY place to go & talk to myself...just so happens ppl are listening. Not all of them like it but really, when have I ever cared what other ppl think? Im not taking my blog down, Im keeping it there...I am what I am and I slipped and forgot just how fucking awesome I am:)
ReplyDeleteYou cannot delete anything! You my dear, have a huge & positive impact on me...when Im in a funk i come here...to my bloggin big sis!
XOXO
I am glad your blog is here. If it were me, I think I would probably lose my ability to write as honestly and clearly, knowing who was reading. My temptation would probably be to move to a new site, but then you are running, hiding, and that seems to imply shame and just set up a weird dynamic. Because then aren't people going to feel compelled to find your new spot? I selfishly hope whatever decision you reach, it is one that allows you to still share your journey.
ReplyDeleteI have three blogs. Two created when people I didn't want to read my blog found their way into my space. :)
ReplyDeleteI deleted, ran, created new ones, lost LOTS of connections, blahblahblah...at the end of the day I discovered that the people I didn't want to be there didn't come back after they could see that I was not being disrespectful to them. They could care less what I had to say otherwise...:)
;)t
hmmmm...a tough situation that I worry about facing with my blog almost daily. Do what your gut tells you to do...and it will be the right decision no matter what you decide! Best of luck!
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear. My advice to any blogger - Choose your words wisely. Change identifying details. Stop short of full disclosure. Don't say things that will hurt another person's reputation. Focus on the core of the truth.
ReplyDeleteAll that I can say is that if you hurt one person, they need to look at them selves.
ReplyDeleteYou have helped TONS of people through this place of yours!!!
I have never heard you say a bad thing about anyone on here. You always have 2 sides and are very real and accepting of people and their flaws.
Stay around for all of us that need you, learn from and with you, and love having a friend even if you are miles away!
T, I can relate.
ReplyDeleteIt's why I have chosen to have a pseudonym, why I have a cartoon face (younger than mine, of course!), why I change names, times, dates — everything but my truth.
I guess the lesson is to never say anything about someone that couldn't be said to his or her face.
We all foolishly believe we can have total anonymity online (even me!) But, there is no privacy in cyberspace, and if we say something slanderous we'd be subject to the same realities as if it were in print or on TV.
But, in dealing with former spouses — when kids are involved — it could mean custody issues.
As far as I can tell, you've been kind in your words about your ex. However, being kind has never stopped others from using that to their advantage.
Still, we must speak our truth. I'm with you, girl!
If I was still married to my ex and he found my blog, I would have had to remove it. I wouldn't have had the girl balls to keep it up. You are strong T! Stay strong and do what you need to do. We will be here.
ReplyDeleteT,
ReplyDeleteI censor my blog now. Look at it, the words dont come anymore unless I am feeling down and resentful. Writing heals. I hope to heal again.
M
ps:
ReplyDeleteuse a disclaimer that this is all fiction and events, people or things that may seem like real events are coincidental and of the crazy mind of the author. :)
I would hate for you to go because I love your blog. You are truly an inspiration to me T. Please dont' go but I will support whatever decision you make.
ReplyDelete{lots of hugs}
I say, stay here and keep writing. It's not like you've been unkind in your writing about your ex or given him anything he can use against you in some sort of custody issue. And you haven't disclosed his identity.
ReplyDeleteI like your blog and would be hate to see you go or change how you write!
I don't really have a suggestion, but I just wanted to say that you've got an unbiased ear with me if you want it.
ReplyDeleteGo with your head on this.
this is why I don't use my name, post photos, use my kids names, say where I live etc.
ReplyDeleteMy X is CRAAAAAZY. In jail for trying to shoot me.
Once he's out I don't want him finding my blog on accident or purpose, but I need a place to vent, a place to share my ups and downs...the exchange of tales and triumphs etc.
I hope you stick around, but if you don't I would totally understand.
oh no! i'm sorry you were outed. that's scary. you know that your readers appreciate your honesty and openness, so i hope you will find a way to continue!
ReplyDeleteI am busy catching up!
ReplyDeleteSorry this has happened T :( It is the danger when you do allow people to know both sides - happened to one of our local bloggers!
Good luck with your decision and if you move - I want to know where to :)