Would you know "the one" if he or she appeared in your life?
I've been thinking about this lately after my long distance relationship post the other day.
Alicia commented that Gentleman Jack must not be "the one" since I have not fallen in love with him thus far.
I love the blogosphere for helping me to see things differently.
When I thought about it, I felt worried. Maybe she's right. Maybe he's not "the one". But then it occured to me...
I thought Soldier was. Look at where that got me.
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These thoughts made me reevaluate all of my past relationships when I knew that a certain someone was "the one".
My ex-husband.
Soldier.
A man that I was in love with for nearly 20 years who is one of my very best friends.
The man that I had an affair with.
In every one of those situations, I was absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt convinced that each of them was "the one".
So... what does that mean exactly? Can there be more than one "the one"?
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I also noticed, with each of these past relationships, there was this sense of desperation and fear.
I needed to POSSESS the other person and I needed them to POSSESS me.
Soldier and I started planning a future with such a sense of fear and dire need. I was losing my father. He was going off to war. We clung to each other out of complete agony with life. We needed each other badly.
I collected him. Every correspondence he sent me, cards, letters, emails, gifts... I held on to each morsel as if it was my last dying breath. I STILL have all of those emails. I feel more comfortable with deleting them now. I feel a whole lot less desperate.
I have my Gentleman.
With Gentleman Jack, I feel like....
What's the rush?
I don't collect him. He is very consistent and honest and there for me. I feel so much less fear and SO much more LOVE. Our relationship is very slow and relaxed, as if we have all the time in the world. And honestly, if we do decide that we are going to take this into a lifetime together, there truly is no rush.
Our children will have to grow up first.
Or
Some other miracle of fate will have to happen that has one or both of us moving somewhere to be together.
Or
Who knows?
Jack and I both have fears about falling in love and relationships. I guess it's normal for two people at this stage in life, who have been through failed relationships so far. He readily admits his fear while I say that I'm not scared.
Maybe I am. Maybe I don't have a single clue what I'm talking about.
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A Course in Miracles says, "I do not perceive my own best interests."
Maybe each one of those relationships were exactly what I needed at the time. And perhaps the fact that they didn't work out was exactly what I needed as well.
Would I truly know who is "the one" I'm destined to be with?
I think I may have given up on my idea of what defines "the one". I've been obviously wrong thus far.
Is it destiny that I be with one person for the rest of my life?
Should we search for a Mr. Right and force the issue that that person will be with you until you die? Even if one or both of you changes and is ready to move on? Or is every Mr. Right actually a perfectly fine Mr. Right Now?
Should we cling and possess and declare someone is perfect out of fear? Fear of lack of love or security? Or should we enjoy someone, accept them and the situation, and see the perfection in the "now" out of love?
Was my relationship with Soldier the "hare" in the race? And my relationship with Jack the "tortoise"?
Does slow and steady win the race after all?
How the hell do I know?
"Love possesses not nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love." — Khalil Gibran
All I can say is, just like you, whenever I thought someone was "the one" what was really happening was that I was getting myself into a boat load of emotional trouble. Now I think it's all about choice; choosing to invest love or not, choosing to stay or not.
ReplyDeleteI don't even know where to begin with a response to this post, except I feel I have been...there, where you are right now or something very close to it.
ReplyDeleteI can say that I am truly grateful for the relationship I had that in many ways mirrors your Rascal post Soldier. It taught me many things about myself, about love and so much more.
I wasn't ready for something more than the friendship (and maybe I feared it) we had but the lessons/experiences gained from being with him are priceless. When we 1st met I never thought we would be anything let alone last 2 years. You just never know I guess.
And btw, I think "The One" is the one who lasts...so by definition there can only be...ONE.
ReplyDeleteMindy, I love that "the one who lasts..."
ReplyDeleteBut how would you know?
Each time we think "this one is the one". And then they're not. How would we know?
I think perhaps it's less important to get hung up on the idea of "The One". Personally, I think that there are many "Ones" for us, people who are in our lives at certain times to teach us different things. Whether or not things are meant to last with you and Rascal is a whole lot less important than what you two are learning from one another at this point in your lives (in my opinion).
ReplyDeleteYou know I know it's hard, but just try not to overthink. Enjoy and appreciate what you have, and know that everything will work out the way that it's supposed to eventually.
**hugs**
"How would we know?"
ReplyDeleteBut what do you want to Know?
And what for, girl?
Nothing is really so important ;-).
* * *
But sometimes hurts (to feel that the one we were "in love" is no longer where he used to be), I Know. It is then when I have just to smile as sweetly as I can at this pain of no reason and ... and ...
ReplyDeletewait, until the sorrow is gone.
¿Qué otra cosa podría hacer aparte de esperar a que el dolor pase?
Some people say that we can be a witness of our sorrow while it is here; some people say that ... everything is a lie,
and I´m grateful that at least I have get to Know Him. And He is always with me,
like if He were in the air, and in the birds.
So better to do what I Know I have to Do, instead of allowing my ego to take over me.
And by doing so, by becoming aware, we are again together.
Again One, no matter what is happening on the surface. We are much more than what is going on here, on the surface. On the visible.
There is no need to be in pain because of what the sleepy part of our minds wants to make us believe.
The Spirit is always with us, in the air.
We are not alone.
Awww, sweet-T, I'm so sorry! I really didn't mean to suggest that Rascal isn't or can't be THE ONE just because you haven't seemed to be falling in love with him right off the bat.
ReplyDeleteI'm no expert that's for sure. But I know many many happily marrieds who can tell you that their marriage did indeed "evolve" from a close friendship over several years.
Who's to say that is wrong or impossible? Perhaps that is the path that is right for you (and Rascal?) Time will tell.
HOWEVER. One thing which I personally think is extremely important: the falling in love stage; the beginning where you each have butterflies and longing and where there IS that sense of urgency. I think this is a critical part of a lasting relationship. This is just a stage - it doesn't last, and neither does it define or predict true love. But it is the fun, fiery foundation for the relationship to mature upon.
And, what's cool is that perhaps you just haven't hit this stage with Rascal yet! Hope is not lost! Maybe you'll wake up next week or next month stark raving mad in love with him - and then all hell will break lose! And THAT is when it'll start.... and you'll know he is THE ONE.
Until then, you're both happy plodding along, seeing each other but also doing your own thing, and neither of you feels the urgency - YET.
How's that for philosophy, heh? Maybe I'm just spewing crap as usual...
I do think different people come into our lives for a reason that usually we don't know until long after they've left! Some of us learn through one relationshp, some of us learn through many. Heh, I guess I've been a slow learner!
ReplyDeleteA few questions you can ask yourself about this relationship are: "Does it make me feel loved? Respected? Safe? Like I can be myself without worry of being judged...or left? Do I like this person -- genuinely like being with him? Is this relationship 'easy'?..."
I don't mean lazy or perfect by "easy." I mean all of the other things I mentioned above: acceptance, love, respect, fun, etc. No person or relationship is perfect, and all relationships require work. But I see now that a lot of my past "work" was trying to fit two people together who just weren't a good match. Fights and drama don't always have to be a part of a relationship.
The right person will make it seem mostly effortless.
p.s. - I couldn't think fo a good analogy as to how or why the "falling in love" phase is soooo important - but i just think that there is something lost if that stage is skipped or bypassed. Like the child prodigy who goes off to college at 12 - where was his childhood? I don't know - maybe that's just me projecting. Perhaps the prodigy never much cared for childhood and will never miss it - who knows? But i think for the vast majority of us - we need our childhood, and our marriages need their childhood too (those fun, flirty, sexy, romantic, falling in love good ole days!)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I love the way you talk about Rascal. I think you two have a very mature relationship.
ReplyDeleteI am married and don't think he is "the one". I think I was in a place of desperation as you stated. But I will say this. He has become "my one" because I did marry him and I choose to try the forever concept no matter how hard it is. I may think back on this and laugh, but as stated before, I don't think any of us really know past what we feel right now.
You know, something I think I tend to forget?
ReplyDeleteFalling in love with someone is effortless. It really is.
It's the sticking around to make it work part that requires all the effort.
I agree with qtmama - falling in love is so easy. Dealing with the realities of day-to-day living is what is hard.
ReplyDeleteThe love of my life left me for another man - so I have given the idea of who is the perfect one to be with - a soulmate in effect, a lot of thought.
There are many people we can connect with - even more that we can lust after. The one is that person that we commit to and expend energy to make work. Sometimes that doesn't even work - we all change over time and working to stay connected may not quite bridge the differences that arise over time.
I don't think there is any magic formula. The best relationship is probably where both individuals have equal effort to make it last. That may not sound totally romantic, but it probably is the reality.
Who knows! I think you that. I love this line: A Course in Miracles says, "I do not perceive my own best interests." So true.
ReplyDeleteTrying to figure out love is a slippery slope. But I like that it brings self awareness. That's the interesting part of this exercise to me.