Yesterday morning after I typed my blog post, I sat in my favorite chair with a cup of Chai and A Course in Miracles.
Soldier was still sleeping in my bed and I was alone, crying as I read the outpouring of love and support from all of you. I feel so blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life. Then I cried even harder, breaking into all out laughter. I realized that I was grateful for this pain.
This pain means that I loved harder than I ever thought I could after the demise of my marriage. This pain means my heart is opening wider and wider!
I'm still capable of an amazing amount of complete crazy love. Someone told me shortly after the ex moved out that it was sad to think that I'd never allow myself to love like that again. We harden our hearts from it. I didn't want to do that. Now I know that I can love with reckless abandon again. My friend De agrees, "you won't love the same but you'll love better." Yes, that's it. I loved him better.
I heard him stirring and getting into the shower so I put on some music to sing to. Singing is so cathartic to me. It felt good to belt out my Ride the Tides song. I began feeling a little better.
He came in the room, dressed and ready to go. He reached for my hand and began slow dancing with me in the living room.... much like he did on our first date. He stopped dancing and pulled me close to him. He held me for a very long time and I could hear him swallowing back emotion. I was strong. I was simply enjoying his arms around me.
He took my face in his hands and said, "Honey, I am so sorry for messing up this weekend. Everything you did was wonderful and.... I'm just sorry for all the stuff and expectations and all of it."
I apologized too. He said there was no need but I wanted him to know that I never meant for him to feel guilt or pressure.
He held me again and again I heard him trying not to cry.
He sat on the armrest of the couch and I told him that I knew that none of what happened was done intentionally. I didn't think he was a bad person... I told him that I chose this. I chose these expectations and to be here for him. I looked into his big beautiful blue eyes and said, "I think you are an amazing man." He rolled his eyes. "Wait," I continued, "You are and I'm sorry that you are hurting and enduring all that you are. Know that I'm always sending you love."
He kissed me. This goodbye was strikingly similar to the last goodbye we had. We kissed slowly and with much tenderness. He looked sad and we kissed more. He stood with his arms around me and lifted me off the ground. I wrapped my legs around him and he again held me for many moments.
He said that he would email me when he was back in Baghdad. He said, "I'll stay in touch with you until you ask me not to. You know, until you meet someone who prefers that I don't contact you anymore."
I smiled and said, "You know me better than that. I would never allow a man to choose my friends."
As he walked to the door, I said, "Be safe. God speed. I love you."
He put his arms around me again and kissed me more. He kissed me more during our goodbye than he did the entire weekend. I really don't think he wanted to let go. That, in itself, was exactly what I needed.
He took his bag and walked to his car, waving as he sat in the driver's seat. I closed the door and glanced out the window. He took one last look at the closed door and then he drove away.